sometimes…

my relationship with M has always been like a prolonged intermittent courtship. we are either separated or he has to go on a business trip. everytime he travels there’s a void in my life, i feel miserable and depressed. and when he returns it takes a while to adjust to him… and when i’m fully adjusted he takes off again and goes for a month or so and the circle goes on and on…. it’s very frustrating. each time he comes back i’ve changed…. i don’t know if he notices. i always loose a part of me every time there’s a distance between us.

i’ve complained about his snoring in the past. he’s been really stressed out these days and it seems to be getting worse. i’ve hinted a couple of times that his weight gain has made it louder than usual, so loud that my ear plugs are no longer effective, neither is sleeping at opposite ends of the bed helpful, but he is not convinced otherwise. i hate to be a wife that nags because nothign drives men more insane than a nag.

the thing is we are totally different in terms of our sleeping patterns. he can lie down and fall asleep within a minute, literally! as for me it takes at least an hour for me to fall asleep, depending on how tired i am, even then, i mostly read myself to sleep and when i do finally fall asleep, if i happen to hear his snoring i can’t sleep anymore.

this has always been an issue with us. he says i have a problem, i say he has a problem. when we both go to bed, he drifts off and i’m left counting sheep. he makes me feel guilty for going to sleep in the other room. i told him i love him very much, but getting a good nights sleep is important for my health and sanity. he keeps insisting that i should get used to it. i have tried, really  tried! for instance last night i was up for two good hours trying to fall alseep, while he was happily snoring away, in the end i had to leave the room, frustrated and angry!

he too has tried not to to snore. he really tried, but in the end it couldn’t work because i knew he was holding back from really enjoying his sleep for my sake, and the guilt of that couldn’t let me fall asleep.

M keeps insisting that i’m not trying hard enough. i think he thinks i don’t love him enough or i’m not willing to make sacrifices, far from that. i have accepted that when it comes to sleep, we are at opposite ends of the pole and i’m ready to work from there…. he seems to think i should be able to change twenty something years of sleeping pattern overnight. next time he brings it up i’ll tell him since he has no problem falling asleep and he wants me to sleep next to him, and knowing his snoring disturbs me, he has to promise not to fall asleep untill i do…. let’s see how he feels about that. i’m really happy that he’s blessed that way, but i wish for once he would see things from my point of view.

i’m angry… right now he’s snoring away happily and i’m here in the other room. i can hear him snoring through two closed doors! yes, i wish i wasn’t so damn sensitive so that i could enjoy sleeping next to my husband. yes, i love the assurance of having him next to me, but…

when i really think about it, without sentiments, what’s there in two people lying next to eachother in a semi-conscious state? aside from the obvious physical proximity, what other pleasure is there to be gained? i don’t sleep better with someone else on the bed, in fact there have been times when in deep sleep i tried to kick him off the bed!

why do people attach so much meaning to couples sleeping on the same bed? especially people who have no issues with sleep in the first place. i don’t get it. i love showing affection, a hug here, a kiss there, we communicate faily well,  but i have never been one for cuddling. M loves cuddling, i don’t. he want’s to hold me and drift off to sleep. which is really cute, untill he starts to snore. even if he doesn’t, i start to feel smothered  and unconfortable after the first minute and i stealthily wriggle away.  i hate to be crude but if you’re both having as much sex as you’d both like, there is really no need lying down unconscious next to eachother, period.

woot!

After numerous perambulations I finally set up a blog for my designs…but I’ve edited it out of here because I don’t want people linking the two blogs being a stickler for privacy and all… I guess I’ll be blogging there hence forth, unless I need to offlload, then I’ll be back here, hehe…

Been a while

Phew! It’s been a while, been busy, to say the least.

We moved! Yey, finally. Thank God we have OUR own place. That was more than a month ago though. We’ve been in the dark up untill early this month with no phone or internet connection. Even though I made the best of the free Facebook my mobile service was offering, I still felt miserable and wondered how I lived before the ‘onset’ of the internet. So used to it we are now that going without it is unbearable. Makes you want to jump off a cliff, if only it wasn’t such an embarassing way to go.

Business is taking of slooooooowly, but that’s to be expected. Word is slowly spreading,. Not to gloat but once they find out how good I am they’ll ditch their unreliable, half-baked so-called designers, muhahaha!

I’m calling it Am*- Ta* Concepts, but thats still tentative… Not quite feeling it. I’m thinking of using my middle name… I noticed most exclusive brands often carry the names of the designers. Plus I want to avoid the cliche of giving my label a Western sounding name a lot of African designers fall into, Bobby Brown, Carla Green and the like (Thosie arie not rieal, but you giet my drift).

Gotta stop now, this keyboard is still fucked. M wants to buy me a new laptop, but I prefer an industrial sewing machine instead. This domestic machine is not meant for heavy duty fabrics. I broke six needles sewing chinos. It just does me in. If I try to sew denim I might get needle schrapnel lodged in my eye balls… scary!

Hmm….

i went and started a new blog and now i don’t know what to put in it. the writer in me wants to be let out. there is no ignoring or subdueing it. when ignored it keeps shooting up untill it bubbles at the surface.

i’ve been feeling useless lately. this entire week was down the drain. i had goals for the week but somehow none of  ’em were achieved. i feel really shitty right now.

plus my emotions slash hormones have gone haywire. i think the whole world is against me. on days like this i thank God it’s not possible for our thoughts to be plastered on our fore head. i can’t imagine anyone else knowing what was going on in my mind at the moment.

there’s something i don’t have here that i used to take for granted back home. that is the ability to shut the rest of the world out and be by myself.

all i can do now is be patient and remind myself no situation is permanent.

meantime i need to be motivated. i need to do something positive with myself that doesn’t revolve around me being in this house.