The Ferret

at times like this i wish i could cry my eyes out, get a massive headache, go to sleep and when i wake up, everything will be fine again. 

*

just now my SIL came knocking on the door, she was furious. apparently M had taken the clothes out of the dryer and bundled them up on a chair in the living room. even i find that distasteful. but of course i knew nothing about it. i hardly ever go to the living room. so i knew there was more to her anger than just a pile of clothes even before she said she was ‘angry with me and my husband, and there’s only so much she can take’. her own words, and rightly so too.

about ten minutes later she came back and said she needed to get her feelings out. she said she has been sensing some negative vibes from me and it’s been causing her heartache. so much so that she doesn’t look forward to coming home from work. she said she senses resentment and an i-don’t-care-attitude regarding the children and especially when she’s cooking. 

*

i had a premonition that something like this would happen. i mean, it’s common sense, really. when a bunch of people live under close quarters there is bound to be friction. especially when a system has already been put in place previously.

that’s one of the reasons why since i came i haven’t touched the washer and dryer. i have handwashed our clothes, because i didn’t want to be a burden. i don’t want to put any financial pressure on them beyond what they are already puttign up with. which is why i told M if he wanted to use it he should handle it himself. in the past when i met clothes in there i’d fold them and take them upstairs. 

*

i think i know what caused all this…. not long after we both got back from nigeria, we had M’s cousin over for dinner. usually my SIL cooks over the weekend and stores it in the fridge/freezer so over the week so whoever is hungry just pops it into the microwave. i thought well she didn’t know they were coming before she cooked, and i’d hate for her to have to come home from work and cook during the week when she should be resting. so i rustled up something. 

but when my SIL came home she said i shouldn’t have, that it was wasteful. i tried to explain to her that i didn’t want to further reduce the ration she’d prepared for fear of her having to cook again but i guess i was lost in translation. to cut the long story short, i think since then she had me locked down as  (maybe) resenting her cooking which couldn’t be far from the truth because anything i cook makes me sick. i love her cooking and so does M (though it pains me to say so). but i don’t dish out compliments, and it’s my fault really, because we all need encouragement and appreciation in our lives. 

she said i resent seeing her cooking… but that i’d mellowed down in the past two weeks. first thing i asked myself was, ‘what has changed in the last two weeks?’… well, roughly two weeks ago i made the resolution to wake up earlier and make the best of the day… and it just so happened when i woke up up over the weekend i would see a pile of meat and veg thawing in the kitchen and make myself usefull by helping to cook it. 

i personally try to stay out of people’s way. actually, let me rephrase that, i try my UTMOST to stay out of people’s way because i’m extremely private. and i ABSOLUTELY LOVE when people stay out of my way.  if i was cooking and someone came to me and offered help i’d stare them down before shooing them out of the kitchen… but in reality all they’ll be told is that i’m fine. cooking is therapeutic, it relaxes and calms me down. i hate being interrupted.  and once i start i already have in mind all i’m going to do, which is why i usually didn’t bother when she was already cooking in the past when i woke up late. when i offered to help in the past she would say she was alright. i assumed if she’s been doing it then she can cope, otherwise if she needed my help she would ask. 

my actions have been misconstrued for apathy. she said that maybe i was being deprived of cooking for my husband, which is why i couldn’t be bothered. again i told her it was all far from the truth. i told her that i didn’t want to be a bother or a nuisance which is why i try not to do things because i don’t want to upset her. i don’t want her thinking here i am trying to change things, or not happy with what she does that i have to do it my way, or that i’m ingrateful or unappreciative. 

then she also said that i don’t get involved with the children. this i don’t even feel guilty over because i totally lack the capacity to relate with children. i find myself trying to be logical with them only to upset them. i’d rather shut up than do something that will affect their self-esteem. babies are the easiest, but the older the are the more bewildered i am around them. maybe when i have my own children i’ll know what to do. but for now, i’m doing the best i can. i baked a cake for them last weekend… i occasionally wash their clothes when i see them soaked in the bathroom…

the second reason i’m not involved is because i don’t want to interfere with how they raise their children. M has done it in the past and it caused friction. known how brash and forthright he can be. it’s probably one of those things that she’s been penting up. there are things i notice, certain attitudes and behaviours i know i would beat out of my own child, but i don’t have any children, and i don’t want someone to think i’m being mean to their own, knowing how parents tend to think that if you don’t have children you can’t understand what it’s like to raise one. so i keep out. 

*

my analysis of the whole situation is that my SIL is a wonderful person, but she’s bummed out. she’s tired. she’s carried a lot for her family, there was a point when she was the sole bread winner, mother, wife, you name it. she receives little appreciation and i know and understand all this. i’ve heard her quarrel with her husband over his lack of involvement with the girls. knowing i’m a woman she probably thought i would understand. i know she needs time off for just herself, to get away from it all.

some weeks ago i actually thought i would give her a weekend off. i would tell her whatever she wants done, she should tell me and i’ll do it, all she needs do is put up her feet and just relax, watch tv, drink coffee, whatever… but then i have my own problems now, and everyone else has fallen out of focus. besides if i do it now she might think i’m being an ass kisser. 

*

look, i’m tired. i’ve had a constant  headache for the past three days that won’t go away. i have pms up to my eye balls. i haven’t been able to do much sewing. i’m moody and miserable. my only consolation is in two weeks we’ll be moving into our own place, by Gods Grace. nothing beats the feeling of not having to walk on tip toes and stop fearing I’ll ‘hurt someone’s feelings’. i’ve lived in six different homes in the last four years. it’s not been easy for me adjusting and re-adjusting. all i’m praying for now is to be independent, to know i don’t have to put up with anything except i want to.